Girls, hello! I really need advice ..... What to do next .... I left my husband pregnant ... Or rather, we are not yet scheduled ..... We were just going ..... I left because of stupid ridiculous quarrels. ..... I don’t want to be nervous in this position ..... Judge for yourself ..... His phone rings periodically, he picks up the phone - he starts talking in front of me and constantly says right into the phone - where are you calling, you they made a mistake ... Then a couple of times at night the phone rang, they called and hung up, I asked who - he says - the number is hidden ..... I will say right away that I never noticed anything behind him, the phone is always in plain sight, he calls me constantly , he knows where I am and he tells where he is .... Last week we met after work - the phone rings - he picks up the phone, some girl calls him, he says - who are you, I don’t know you, I’m with my wife and wife I wonder who you are, and she starts to freak out (he told me later), that like - oh, you also have a wife and hangs up ..... Girls, I never threw tantrums at him during pregnancy, ka sometimes they say hormones play, I prefer to talk and find out everything, if I don’t like something - I speak directly and calmly, and he starts to get pissed off from this, a scandal starts - I ask, let’s not swear (although the very nature of go, but while pregnant, for the sake of the baby I don’t want to be nervous, otherwise I would have cursed too), and he follows me from room to room and gets me, he brings himself to the point that he starts talking nasty things and each time he draws conclusions - since we quarrel, pack your things and go to your mother ...... But everyone quarrels !!! Damn - and every time he tells me - pack your things and go to your mother .... I am an educated person, I have a good job, I basically provide for myself, I have my own apartment, and I, as some kind of needy, every time they say to a quarrel - go to your mother !!! Then he asks, says that he is a fool, that these are emotions, that he loves us! But, girls, how many mozho! If I weren’t pregnant, then figs with them, with those quarrels, but how he doesn’t feel sorry for the baby, when I ask - let’s not swear, I can’t be nervous, but he starts up even more and yells that I don’t know how to quarrel! Yes, I can do everything, but why now !!! I feel sorry for the child! So this time, I calmly said that such calls were very unpleasant for me, that this was not the first time that he would take into account - as he comes around, he will respond, I am also an interesting woman and will not always be pregnant ... I said, and I am silent .. .He started - why are you blowing your lips, I told you, I don’t know her, that you boil water for me, think what you want, these are your problems! I understand everything - they made a mistake, someone specially wants to quarrel us, but anything can happen ... But it's not about the calls, but about HIS REACTION !!! It seems to me that another in his place, so that the pregnant wife would not be nervous, would call and send this girl, and he tells me - I don’t know who she is, she said that she was mistaken, how can I send her !!! And I can say nasty things ... In general, when he started up, I asked him - we'll come home (it was all on the street), don't touch me, otherwise I'll leave ... it all happened ... at 12 at night I called a taxi and left ..... So insulting! He didn’t reassure, didn’t hug, kissed, but because of this he made a scandal in the family !!! This, girls, despite the fact that everything just got better with his work, for half a year I solved all my problems myself, all the tests, expenses, withdraw from one card, transfer to another, I solved everything myself! From his side, there was no male support at all! And I endured, encouraged, bought what I could, his mother helped me with groceries, mine with money, he was lying on the couch at home, because there was no work, and I went to work pregnant ..... In frost and slush! And now I’m driving in the heat, but he hasn’t received a single full-fledged salary yet! And here is gratitude! I listened to a lot of nasty things, it turns out that while I am silent - everything is fine, I’ll just say something that doesn’t suit me - a scandal begins ... Not a showdown in a normal tone, but a scandal like I decided to fuck him up! And I think with horror - what if the hormones took their toll and I was hysterical, like my girlfriend, what support and understanding would be ...... At the end there was an offensive phrase - I can’t take my son home because of you .. .I explain ..... He had his first marriage before me and his son is now 2 years old. FROM ex-wife there are no relations in terms of communication, only hatred ..... As soon as we started dating, he said that he wanted to choose the day that he would spend with his son .... We agreed on Sunday. I said that on this day I have training, cleaning, cooking, in general, women's affairs, and you walk with your son as you want and as much as you want ...... Everyone was satisfied with this decision ... Now he reproaches me for that wants to pick up the child on weekends to be with us!!! Girls I don't Cruel person and I understand everything, but .... why do I need someone else's child in the house every weekend with an overnight stay ?! He has a mother, grandmothers, grandfathers who can pay attention to him, I still have no experience in how to deal with children, he will eat something wrong or fall somewhere, his ex will curse me! Besides, she won't give it to him! Gives only to his parents, he goes there and sees the child there! Well, why not take him on Sunday, walk with him in the park, buy something, show something! He has been out of work for so long, and he also wants to take the child into the house all the time! Well, I understand, when, never go out with them somewhere and take a walk with his child .... but home ... with overnight stays .... .. In general, I turned out to be bad, because of me he sees a child only with his mother, although for the first time I heard that this does not suit him ...... And the worst thing is that every time his words - go, then to Mom .... For the time being, she forgave, but now she left .... My parents are good, support is strong, but it hurts and hurts me so much! He wanted a daughter so much, and now he says, since she left, I’ll forget everything and won’t run! Well, how did you leave if you essentially kicked me out! How can you want to do something in that house, buy something there, make money, if every time they kick me out, and then ask me to return!!! Pregnant!!! He says - now live as you know! And I really wanted male support, so that they would at least somehow provide me, and now I am left alone with a child, whom I really want and do not regret that I got pregnant............ .........
I can't get tired. I want to leave my husband. I have been waiting for it for over a year. I cheated once, I wanted to leave, but he began to fight for me and returned. They began to live together. I was undergoing treatment to get pregnant and, among the treatment, we succeeded. All the doctors shrugged their hands in bewilderment, how the miracle happened. At 5 weeks they went into storage. Soon it will be 12 weeks. We rent an apartment with my husband together with his mother, we live in a one-room three together. I decided that as soon as I give birth, I will immediately move to my parents, because. mom lives with dad together in a 2shka, and the conditions there are good for a child. And whether my husband will move with me will depend on his financial wealth. During pregnancy, I didn’t have enough, although the doctors forbade me to be strictly on strictly nervous, like any pregnant woman. I became very nervous because we did not have enough money, I could not even afford to buy a banana. It got to the point that for the 3rd we had 100 rubles. It was wild for me to live like this, because I was used to never denying myself anything. I had to leave my job for the sake of my child. And the husband held on to his * wounded work, in which even before NG they were given first 4 thousand, and then 2 and that's it. She made her husband leave. Now he is looking for a new job. Through a friend, I sort of found him, after the holidays we will call. I don’t tell my mother much, although she herself guesses. She is trying to give us money, but I am ashamed to take it. Over the past 3 months, I have endured my husband's drunken antics, insults, and moral humiliation. Occasionally he smokes weed. Yesterday I got tired of all this and I told him "either friends with grass and beer or we" after which this bitch went to his friend, an avid herb smoker, and got drunk there as a thief. Called, warned that he was staying with him. I wrote to both him and his friend to live there, let them provide for him there and give birth to him, but I'm tired. In the end, he came home. Drunk, of course. I think I smoked again. And at night, when I went to the toilet, I stopped from the fact that it stinks terribly * outside and nothing was even washed away. Sorry for the details! He couldn't even clean up after himself. I'm shocked. Even his mother is shocked by his actions. I have a better relationship with my mother-in-law than with him. Everything rests on her. Although she sympathizes with me in my own choice of her son. She says that if she were in my place, you left a long time ago. Now tell me, please, what the hell is a man who allows himself to insult his pregnant wife, who cannot say NO to alcohol and friends with weed?! Is this a man who beats his heel in the chest, yells that he is a man, and right there, when his wife makes the choice me or the grass, he comes home drunk and cannot even wash off the ram? ! I don't even want to have sex with him. I'm grossed out. Girls, I'm scared to leave, but what example will he give to a child ?! 2 months as we know about pregnancy and all these 2 months I have solid nerves. I can't already. No strength.
Readiness of the family for the birth of a child, we received comments with the question: what to do when the pregnancy is unplanned? And they asked a clinical psychologist and prolifer to speak on this topic Victoria Naumova, mother of four children.
Pregnancy against the backdrop of a breakup. My history
When I had two children, our family was going through a serious crisis, which ended with my leaving my husband. The Christmas holidays had just died down, as I collected all the things and moved them to my room, to my mother, in another city. The next day was a working day, so I immediately went to arrange the children in the garden and look for a job. At that time, I had only one remote part-time job, and it was impossible to continue my practice in the city where I left, my mother could not help me (of course, she would not refuse a bowl of soup, but no more), and I have no wealthy relatives. Therefore, the question of the maintenance of his family arose very acutely.
After a week of solving organizational issues, I found out about the pregnancy. it very common case in crisis counseling choice situations: pregnancy against the backdrop of a breakup, and even with children.
A single mother with two preschool children, out of work, depressed due to a family crisis and lack of support from loved ones - and then there's pregnancy. Giving birth under such circumstances is a real madness! Moreover, quite quickly after the news, severe toxicosis began, which made it necessary to minimize exits from the house. And there was no question of returning to her husband.
Ironically, up to this point, I had been helping pregnant women in a crisis situation for almost five years, and now I myself found myself in this very crisis situation. And my work experience turned out to be very useful for me.
I had to experience the incredible pressure of society: both from relatives and from strangers. While I arranged the children in the garden, went to the doctors, took a consultation with a lawyer in a crisis center, applied for social security benefits, turned to a gynecologist, everywhere I encountered an extremely negative reaction to my third pregnancy. Neighbors whispered behind their backs, gossiping about paternity. Yes, no one openly twisted at the temple, but the motive “where will you give birth to him” and “why breed poverty” sounded constantly. Fortunately, my wonderful friends never even hinted at abortion as the only right solution in such a difficult situation.
In due time the child was born: my favorite daughter after the first two boys. Relations with my husband were still very tense, so it was entirely up to me to provide for the family. Almost immediately after giving birth, I resumed remote work, and a year later, inviting a nanny and sometimes the children's great-grandmother to help, I went to work more intensively. Unfortunately, immediately after the birth, postpartum depression began, periods of experiencing one’s helplessness, chronic fatigue, lack of sleep, early rises, various problems of large logistics. Friends who could support were far enough away, everyone had their own worries, and I felt very lonely. However, over time, life gradually began to improve, I was able to provide for myself and three children, maintain a car, pay for my studies, psychotherapy and supervision, since all this is necessary for work. Yes, with the birth of my third child, life became more difficult, but, no doubt, richer and more interesting, and, importantly, demanded composure and greater responsibility from me, good multitasking skills.
And just at that moment, another situation arose, another very common case in crisis counseling. As soon as I came to my senses a little, the youngest is 2 years old, I am confidently developing my practice, I have many educational and work plans, I have stabilized psycho-emotionally, how is reconciliation with my husband going and ... two stripes.
To say it was a shock is an understatement. The memory of postpartum depression, the coming lack of sleep and the inevitable decline in work, the cancellation of all plans for the next 1.5-2 years - all this throbbed with a dull pain in my temples. So many efforts, it seemed to me, were in vain. And again, severe toxicosis, an ongoing series of illnesses in children - either a cold, or chickenpox, or whooping cough. This pregnancy was very difficult for me psychologically, I did not take it for a long time. I'm still not rested from diapers, snot and "that's it." On the one hand, it is good that the husband is very involved in family life, in caring for children. On the other hand, this could not but affect his work. Therefore, we lived rather modestly: it was quite enough for food, clothes, my studies, some entertainment for the children, but no more. An ordinary, average large family in Russia.
Now the fourth one pleases us with his achievements, he is incredible! And I hope that with this sketch I managed to convey my insider experience of experiencing pregnancy in a difficult life situation, which allows me to remove the “white coat”.
Other very common cases
What other situations are there in the problem of "unplanned pregnancy"? I will list:
Infantile husband, no money and unplanned pregnancy. Everyone advises to have an abortion.
Large family: “I can’t have an abortion due to religious beliefs, but now I’m not ready for the Nth child at all, I don’t want to live, I’m tired.”
The husband says: let's have an abortion, we won't pull three. “I don’t know how to go against my husband, but I don’t want to have an abortion either.”
Pregnancy from a casual relationship, the man left. Everyone advises to have an abortion: where to give birth, there is no money. “I won’t be able to arrange my personal life later.”
Pregnancy as a result of infidelity, it is not clear who the father is. “If the child is from a lover, then the husband will find out and leave. I don't want to raise a child with a lover."
Mom has not finished her studies yet, she has just started her career. “I myself am still a child, I will break my life, I will not marry because of a child. I don't like children and I don't want to be a mother."
Before proceeding to the psychological side of the issue, it is necessary to define some concepts.
Legal field and socio-cultural context
Reproductive rights are part of the legal rights and freedoms related to reproduction and sexual health. Reproductive choice is a decision regarding conscious childlessness, conception, bearing and birth of a child / children, taken by his parents and only.
According to article 56 323-FZ "Artificial termination of pregnancy", each woman independently decides on the issue of motherhood. Artificial termination of pregnancy is carried out at the request of a woman with informed voluntary consent.
On the one hand, it is important to understand that this right is the result of many years of women's struggle, including for their rights to education, to various professional positions. The right to regulate the birth rate through abortion becomes a valuable opportunity to relieve oneself of all or part of the unequal obligation to raise children, since in modern society the care of children lies mainly with the woman.
On the other hand, disputes continue about the status of the human embryo, from what moment it becomes a person. However, in these disputes we are talking about very early pregnancy, while in Russia, at the request of a woman, abortions are performed up to 12 weeks, and in a situation of rape, the only social indication at the moment, up to 22 weeks. If you enter in the search engine the image of a child at such a time, then there will be no doubt about his status.
It is important to note a significant decline in living standards, a strong stratification of society, health care reforms that led to the closure and reduction of obstetric centers, and the possibility of timely assistance in case of violations. women's health. And, of course, it is important to take into account the loyalty to abortions among the population, since since their legalization it has been such a widespread practice that it has affected almost every Soviet family. In fact, abortion is normalized.
These are the minimum necessary factors of the socio-cultural and legal context, without taking into account which it is impossible not only to understand the case, but also to see an alternative.
Case work
So, the cases I describe - both from personal history and those listed - need the so-called work with the case. Each case is unique and requires specific consideration. However, there are reference points that will help to see different facets of the situation of reproductive choice.
Affect situation. The news of an unplanned pregnancy causes strong feelings of a different spectrum. They are designed to signal: “something is wrong”, and will last until the situation changes. However, between the news and the emotional reaction there is some setting, the personal meaning that is invested in the event. For example, if a woman is convinced that the birth of a child will spoil the future, then it is this belief that becomes central, and both emotional and behavioral protection will be formed around it. This reinforces the conviction that abortion is the only right decision. This is called tunnel vision. It is obvious that the decision taken from this "tunnel" is inadequate, as it does not take into account other aspects. In such a situation, it is important to hear the voices of others, to think about other options. Here we turn to neuroplasticity - the ability to form new neural connections through the acquisition of new experience. Knowing that my feelings are temporary and you need to wait a bit, calm down in order to find a way out, supported me very much in the first days of the news of the pregnancy.
Support. It is unbearable for a person in a crisis situation to be alone with his experiences. If around a pregnant woman all the support comes down to the idea of an abortion, then it is very important to find out an alternative opinion, to find out how other women went through a similar experience and saved a child. In our age of the Internet, you can go to any women's forum and ask about experience in a similar situation. Some will tell how they terminated the pregnancy, others - about how they saved the child and how it affected their lives. Perhaps someone's story will seem similar to yours, and you can ask the author. If there is a desire to keep the pregnancy, then it is important to surround yourself only with those people who support this decision - for sure there are such people among friends or at least virtual acquaintances. For example, I stopped all talk about abortion and communicated only with those people who shared with me the value of human life. Millions of women arranged their personal lives with a new partner, completed their studies, defended their thesis, went on business trips, traveled, having not only one, but also three or five children in their arms. There are hotlines for pregnant women in crisis situations, where you can call and talk with a psychologist, calls within Russia are free.
Unique Episode. Every adult has learned to deal with difficult situations in their own way. It is important to remember one of your stories in which you experienced similar experiences (albeit with a completely different content), where you managed to find a way out, cope, and experience relief. Remember what the situation was around, what was the time of year and time of day, what you were wearing, who was nearby. Think about what your qualities, skills, abilities helped to cope. You can even write them out to make it clear. Then try to build a bridge in your imagination between that case and this one. How could your competencies and abilities help now? Who of the people you know helped you then? Maybe they will be useful now?
Future. Try to imagine the next year, three, five, ten. What might life look like if you keep the pregnancy? What if you have an abortion? Are the difficulties associated with the birth of a child really so terrible? Are you sure you won't regret if you terminate your pregnancy? Will abortion really keep a man if it forces you to choose? Try to convey a message to yourself - from the experienced woman who survived the crisis to the one who is now facing this painful choice.
Information. The doctor at the reception is obliged to tell all the details of the abortion procedure, its consequences and complications. But usually he gets off with general words and recommendations. It is important to understand that there is no safe abortion, and the longer the term, the higher the likelihood of complications. Of course, we can say that childbirth can lead to serious health problems. However, pregnancy and childbirth is a physiological state for a woman, when the entire finely tuned organism is rebuilt for bearing and giving birth to a child. Termination of pregnancy can be compared to a car accident, when a speeding car stops at a suddenly appeared wall. Yes, someone is limited to abrasions and bruises, but someone may be very unlucky. It is important to know about the likelihood of developing post-abortion syndrome - a severe psycho-emotional state that occurs as a reaction to an abortion - a traumatic event in a woman's life. Yes, there are women who endure abortion relatively easily, they say that “normal periods have passed, just more abundant”, but for some it becomes an unhealed wound for many years.
Help. Asking for help is fine. Crisis centers and shelters are now being opened all over Russia for women in a difficult life situation, including in a situation of crisis pregnancy. There you can get psychological, legal, and humanitarian support. Caring people unite in self-help groups, where they exchange children's things and support each other. For example, I have practically no purchased clothes and shoes: things in excellent condition go from hand to hand while the children are very small. They are either given away for free or sold for much less than the original cost.
non-confessionalism. Thinking that every person has an unconditional right to life can be very helpful. Regardless of whether a woman believes in God or not, she, as a rule, has an understanding that abortion in any religious tradition is not only condemned, but also considered a great sin. Some even say that they are ready "to atone for sins, if only to solve this problem now." It is obvious that the key concepts for religion are far from being valuable to everyone, so it is important to reflect on unconditional value of every human life. Abortion does not cancel parenthood, since a woman becomes a mother, just like a man becomes a father, at the moment of conception of a new life.
For clarity, you can draw a genogram - a schematic representation of the whole family: yourself, partner, parents, grandparents. The genogram usually includes not only born children, but also those who died at any age after birth or as a result of miscarriage, and aborted children. Sometimes this visibility is impressive, especially when it is known about multiple abortions in close women. These children never disappear from the family system.
Simple words of comfort
We have covered many introductory words, but I would like to say simple words in each situation:
Dear, of course, now you may be scared, anxious, uncertain, painful, perhaps there is a feeling of catastrophe, the destruction of the world. You are pregnant, and the future of at least two people depends on your decision - you and your child. It is important to make such a fateful decision in a calm state, balanced and consciously, and now you are on emotions. What do you want? Allow yourself to cry, scream, tear, break, break something - everything that you feel will be useful. Then try to take several slow breaths and an even slower exhalation, sit comfortably with your feet completely on the floor and lean back. Breathe like this for a few minutes until a feeling appears, at least remotely resembling calm. Pour water or something hot, wrap yourself in a blanket or sheet, sit like that for a while, not thinking about pregnancy, but focusing on inhaling and exhaling, on the sensations of support in the feet, on the sensations of drinking. Think about how you would like to take care of yourself right now: maybe take a warm bath, put on a face mask, go for a walk, get some fresh air, listen to your favorite music, read your favorite public page, take a dozen selfies, watch a few TV shows. Promise yourself to think about pregnancy tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, but for now try to relax. Remember to eat at least a little and go to bed early if possible. All important and fateful decisions should preferably be taken rested.
Regardless of your decision, now you have your child under your heart. It so happened that he is completely in your power, and only you can make the final decision about his future fate. This is a big responsibility, and you have to make this choice.
Remember, please, life goes on in spite of all circumstances: situations will change many more times, some problems will be solved, others will appear, some relationships will end, others will begin. In our economically and politically unstable time the best and most profitable investments - in relationships with your loved ones, in your children. Banks fail, real estate depreciates, people who have a stable income, for some reason, lose it. And vice versa, new opportunities appear where they were not even expected.
I know how hard it is for you now, and I hug you. You are not alone.
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Advice “to be happy” in this situation seems out of place. However, this is exactly what you need, and you have a reason to be happy. This is your baby. you gave new life and every day you will see how a person grows and stands on his feet. You have realized as a woman, because no matter what they say that a woman is a lover, a worker or a developing person, most of us begin to feel like a woman after the birth of a child. And it is in him that she can find her happiness, with him next to experience the strongest love of all possible.
Of course, in a state of stress, with a sense of betrayal in the soul, it is not so easy to feel happy. How can you help yourself?
If the husband left: everything is not so scary
Try not to exaggerate the drama of what happened. An incomplete family and an incomplete family are two different things. And many of the problems of incomplete families are myths or an outdated approach that has nothing to do with modern reality. And if you don’t consider your family inferior, you don’t feel guilty because the child grows up without a father, then he will feel not like a child of a single mother, but a baby whose family consists of him and his mother.
If the husband has already left and actually turned out to be a traitor, then it is better that this be clarified right now, and not later, when the baby would already be attached to his father and would experience the divorce of his parents very sharply.
How important your attitude to what is happening is confirmed by studies of families in which the father actually died heroically when the mother was pregnant or the child was still small. The self-perception of such a mother, as a rule, is different, she is not ashamed, does not feel guilty, and her child lives with her head held high. So the first step is to admit that your family is like that and it's not bad and not good, it just happens this way, but it happens differently.
There are many studies that emphasize that children from single-parent families are somehow different from their peers who are raised by mom and dad. For example, preschool boys with a father's upbringing have higher IQs on average. However, firstly, among the boys who are brought up only by their mothers, there are carriers of very high intelligence. And secondly, even despite the fact that the boy is raised by his mother and grandmother before school and he really does not have a model of male thinking and male behavior before his eyes, with age, as he socializes at school, in sports, the boy's development levels off. The same applies to psychological characteristics: the boy is quite able to learn the male role model, even without having a father living with him - all fears about "female education" in a situation when her husband left are greatly exaggerated.
Do not forget that there are a lot of men around: coaches, teachers, your friends, the child's grandfather, your brother, his cousins - this is quite enough to perceive the model of male behavior.
Do not worry about the intellectual or personal development of the child on the basis that you do not have a husband. Communicate with people, lead an active lifestyle, do not avoid complete families - a wide circle of communication and openness to the world will give your child everything he needs.
Husband left? Analyze it!
It makes sense to honestly consider the reasons for the separation from the father of your child. As paradoxical as it sounds, if the husband left because he simply turned out to be a deceiver, then it is much easier to survive his betrayal. If only because you do not feel guilty for what happened.
However, if you subconsciously wanted to strengthen your relationship with a man by tying him to you with the help of a child, then you are overcome by more complex feelings.
In both cases, the child can cause you negative emotions, because it reminds you of betrayal and deceived expectations. All these emotions are complicated by guilt, because we learned from childhood that any mother loves a child, and if not, or with reservations, then something is wrong with her. In fact, many women, due to various circumstances, need to grow a mother in themselves. Feelings are not for everyone unconditional love comes instantly and by itself. You are not alone. Often problems arise if the child and mother were separated for medical reasons after childbirth, and if the mother received psychological trauma during childbirth, and if the pregnancy was unwanted, and if childbirth and pregnancy coincided with some kind of family tragedy. And sometimes there are no visible reasons, but there is severe postpartum depression due to the individual characteristics of the organism. In a word, sometimes you have to work on the formation of attachment and wait for a while.
- Try to make eye contact with your baby, especially when feeding. Don't get distracted while feeding your baby, let this be your time.
- Let you have close sensory contact. If the baby has a tummy ache, lay it on your stomach, carry it in your arms more often and hug it.
- Talk to the little one. Talk to him about all your fears and concerns. According to the famous French psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto, if you tell your child about your feelings, even the most terrible and negative ones, this makes your relationship more open and harmonious. You get rid of stress by formulating what weighs on you, and the baby intuitively feels that you have your own world and contact with him. In addition, the impression often arises that, without understanding the words, children perfectly understand the meaning of what was said, and this is important.
If the husband left: what will happen tomorrow
Sometimes it’s easier to analyze what happened and get rid of fears by imagining that you will answer the baby when he starts asking questions: “Why don’t we have a dad?”, “Where is my dad?”. What exactly to answer to the child is your choice. I would only like to warn against outright lies about the "great cosmonaut." If only because one fine day someone will tell the child the truth, and the “cosmonaut” can “fly in” when they weren’t expected.
It is not necessary to describe the father in negative colors. If you manage to instill in the child an aversion to the father, the baby will partially transfer these feelings to himself, since gender, origin, blood ties are all part of human identity. Roughly speaking, hating the father, the child hates a part of himself, injures his own psyche.
It is best to tell the truth, omitting some details and emphasizing that this is a normal life situation, it happens sometimes: people break up and live separately. Surely you will find a lot of examples in your environment that will show the child that your situation is not extraordinary. However, do not overdo it: the baby must understand that it is good when there is both mom and dad, and that mom is sad that this happened. This is important for the child to be set up for a normal, complete family in the future. In addition, if you want to get married, the baby will get used to the new dad more easily if he perceives the fullness of the family as a blessing. And you do not risk hearing: “Why do we need a dad? We are so good with you!”
Thinking about such a conversation for 3-4 years in advance in all details, you will be able to understand for yourself how you see the current situation. And internal responsibility to the child will force you to look at things more positively.
Surely from time to time you will think about what to do if the baby's father tries to return to you. Remember that there can be no unambiguous answers and solutions here: you will have to react according to the situation and listen to your heart. However, always act in the best interests of the child.
Your openness to new relationships is also important. As a rule, children do not remember the divorce of their parents due to the fact that they were very young or if the divorce occurred before they were born. That is why they usually perceive the idea of a "new dad" more positively, because they do not have to be torn between their biological father and their mother's new husband. Nowadays, a woman with a child is not at all a burden and not a second-class woman. Moreover, many adult men believe that the presence of a child characterizes a woman as a more reliable partner in life, and not a “flip-tail”. You should not fixate on the search for a "new dad", but you should not brush aside such thoughts and suggestions.
Whatever the reasons for your separation from the father of the child, you do not need to focus on this particular event in your personal life history and the history of your child. The kid is a separate person, and you have the good fortune to watch your creation grow and mature, you have years to enjoy this miracle. The father of the child decided to deny himself such a difficult but wonderful pleasure. It's his choice. And ahead of you interesting life.
Text: Anna Nikitina, consultant - Natalia Barinova, head. psychological department of the Center for Natural Development and Health of the Child.
